Things hasn't been always easy, probably not for anybody, except for the rich people, but they're probably scared of getting killed or something like that, so they have their own problem, but seriously..
I'm still a student, and i still haven't figured out life yet, i don't think i'm suppose to, though it would be nice to get some pointers or sign of what i should do.
Like seriously, things i'm cautious bout now is my study, religion, self, and all sorts of crap..
So i haven't been writing properly for my past post, but i'm hoping these could make those up, i haven't been blogging for a while, even for a week seems long for me..
So...
Like seriously, i haven't always been the best student, cause i've never tried, but getting into college it's like turning my life around, i'm actually getting better, in school i didn't even care if i fail, there's possibly nothing worse i could there, but in college, they freak you out that if you fail you have to repeat, and that's pretty scary, instead of spending 3 years in college, you would be spending 4 year, that's like taking a degree, and you can end up much worser by failing.. all those years you've spent on studying is just for nothing..
Now i don't want that, cause i finally understand how much it means, but i'm scared, i'm like in my comfort zone right now and it's friggin frightening. Cause i recently failed on of my paper, who knows how many paper i would fail..
But yeah, i think i've only been hard working for the first semester, then i kinda stopped cause i got good result, not saying that i only work hard only when my result is bad, proof, high school, even though i fail all of my papers, i still didn't do anything..
So yeah i'm scared right now.. and the worse part is that, i'm seriously trying to study, but the source are just friggin ridiculous, how the hell am i suppose to read a long text, and it's now just one chapter, there's whole 9 chapter of it, and i'm trying so hard trying to find answer in the internet, i wish i would be trying hard on studying, but i just can't do it, reading is not one of my specialties, i mean i do like to read, but only interesting stuff like magazine, comics, i don't know why i can't adapt that on studies, if i put that much effort on studying as i did on reading stuff that won't help me get anywhere, i would probably be a better person, i'm not asking for much, i just want answer.
So faith, what is it, okay i'm proud to be a christian, but i don't think i'm doing so much to be a christian, okay i don't do bad things, i didn't do anything that was wrong, i'm just pure plain lazy, yeah i'm lazy, i didn't go to church every sunday, but i wish i did though, cause it's a sin not to go to church every sunday for a year, was that it or is it not confessing for a year, i don't know but i didn't do both often..
After all of this is over i'm gonna go to church, i don't care if i'm alone or with a friend, i just wanna believe in something, it's like i'm losing myself, and i just wanna get that back, if that is even possible, i don't know, that's why i have to try.
But what are the reason people go to church, there's the obvious one praying, or is it only because their significant other is religious that they would do the same thing, or is it because they were force by their parents, or just wanna find people that are the same religion as they are, so many possibilities.
For me, as long as i can remember, i didn't like church so much, not saying i hate it, but i don't like it, here's why, it's always sunday, it's always in the morning, i don't know why but that pisses me off, every single sunday, my parents force me to go to Sunday school, and every morning i have to wake up in agony wishing i could still sleep in my bed with the sweet wind of air conditioning blowing through my body and face, it was so comforting that it's hard to wake up, i always go to church on sunday, i don't know why, but i thought God rest on that day, so i thought i should too, but i'm just a kid what do i know, and it's in the morning, isn't it bad already that i had to wake up early every single morning to go to school, now i have to wake up early on sunday, you see my dilemma here.
Well i do feel kinda bad cause i missed out on sunday school, that was like the only time in my life that i could actually communicate to people in english, it's really hard to find people who speak the same languages as you, believe me i tried, but oh well, there's other times right..
So bout myself, well i'm trying to change now, but i'm not sure that i'm doing the right thing or the wrong thing, but it's the only way i know how to do it, so all my life i've always ate so much, mainly cause my mom always cook at night, and i would end up finishing all the food, so recently i have a chance to regain myself, at college that is, after people met me they told me that i lost weight, well i'm not a firm believer, but it's nice to hear, i don't know if people are being honest or are they're just being nice, so that's part of my reason to not believe everything people says, cause i'm gonna feel comfortable and think that it's okay..
And people says i'm dieting, but seriously, i'm just trying to save some money, what's the harm in that, i don't wanna waste all of my money on food, so why should i, i know it's wrong not to eat every night, but i'm trying something different here, i've eaten at night all my life every single night when i was a kid, now that i'm a little bit older, and fully growth, i think i'm able to do so..
So yeah, trying to study but procrastination always get's in the way, i've planned to study yesterday evening but i end up watching shows, and i did the same thing today, and people says it the thought that counts, i say thoughts only counts if they actually do something...
I'm just wishing that i could be better...
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